I started this post July 6 of this year. Then I started two more and quit. So now, I have three drafts that are waiting to get done.
Some days, I would sit and try to write but then I would end up staring at the screen and feel like…dead inside – well not really, but, I feel like it sometimes. You know, when I’m having a hard time writing down my feelings. I am not sure if it’s for the fact that at the back of my mind I am trying to be tough, to block all these emotions that I am having. I am brain washing myself that what I am feeling and experiencing, what I share and write doesn’t matter. In the process, I am building this invisible wall around me which hurt no one but me.
We each have a story to tell….
We may not tell every story. It may not always be pretty. But there’s always, always lessons to be learned, experiences to be shared, strength to be shown, courage to be known, wisdom to be expressed and love to be manifested. Regardless of what stories we have, these journeys changes us. These journeys, these changes…it needs to be shared, for it could change someone too.
I am not going to bore you with my stories, but I want you to know that I’ve experienced a whirlwind, crazy and an up and down kind of thoughts and emotions. Sometimes, within a period of just a day to a week or a month or several months. Not because I am crazy. But because, I love, then I hope and I forgive. I get hurt then get upset and then mad. I would cry and feel better and then laugh. In between these cycle of emotions, there is the process of understanding and accepting and moving on. And blaming myself…
And the cycle continues….
And at some point in our lives, there is a journey that we don’t know how to end. A journey where there are unanswered questions. A journey magnified by unspoken feelings. Perhaps, it’s a journey of unrequited love? Maybe it’s a journey of circumstances? A journey where we wish we had total control, but…we don’t.
“Life isn’t always pretty. It isn’t always comfortable. Sometimes it hurts. It even breaks your heart. But that’s okay. The journey changes you – it should change you. It leaves marks on your memory, on your consciousness, on your heart, and on your body. You take something with you…Hopefully, you leave something good behind….” (Anthony Bourdain)
And the journey continues…..
If you’ve been a part of my journey, I want you to know that, I am taking something with me….
And I hope, I’ll leave something good behind.